Greetings to all who venture hereabouts. It has been 10 days since my last confession. Sometimes I feel as though this blog is like my confessional. I get to tell you things about me and my thoughts on various aspects of life, more specifically my life and I hope it benefits more than just me. Although I guess the real reason for writing this blog is because I want to tell my story. Perhaps so that others will be inspired, or maybe I just want others to feel for me. Now the marrow is in what you feel. Do you feel the sadness, the excitement, the anticipation, the boredom that I do? Within the course of ten minutes I can feel all of these emotions and more. Just as you can and probably do. My problem is that I no longer can do with these emotions what I used to do. Share them with my best buddy food.
When you go through this process of having your insides "reworked" (for lack of a better word), there is so much more attached to the process than just losing weight and perhaps improving some health issues. When you are someone like me whose life has been so closely connected with food in a different way than most people, that abrupt change can have unexpected results. One day I am living life, eating food that I desired, not overeating mind you, just living and eating like I see the rest of the world eat. Then the next day, well not literally because I had to go on a pretty serious pre-operative diet that made cardboard appealing, my life has changed forever because I allowed a surgeon to go into my body and change it. Was it the best decision of my life? Well of course no. Jesus was the best decision. My wife second. My children third. But in truth I cannot answer yet about this decision.
A lot of the people who have undergone this surgery and have experienced a whole lot more than I have, have told me that they do not regret having undergone this change. They even wish they had done it sooner. I hope that one day I am able to say that. I know that I am feeling new things every day. Physically I am still sore at the main incision area. I get nauseated if I drink water to quickly or too much at once. I have not enjoyed food but a few times since I began eating again. It is really a struggle to changing a lifelong habit of eating a certain way and then being forced to learn to eat another. But this is why I chose this path. I needed something that would force me into action that would help me. I had run out of options. I had looked at wonderful programs that I had tried before and lost weight and felt so good and healthy but could not keep on the new way of eating to save my life. Literally. The "Eat to Live" plan by Dr. Joel Furhman is a great program and one that I tried and wish that I could have stayed on it. The "Hallelujah Diet" probably saved my life years ago by making us aware of the good and bad things attached with various foods. But I could not stay on it. The temptation to eat foods that had been lifelong "comfort foods" was too great and although I truly desired to be victorious....I failed. The thorn in my flesh, the weakness that I needed to reveal God's grace and it's sufficiency for me would lead me to the gastric bypass.
I must tell you that it has not been easy. Of course I am only three weeks out from my surgery. Still a babe in the woods so to speak. Trying to get in my protein and 100 ounces of liquid a day and my vitamins is not easy. Also the emotional aspect is so so so big, so saddening, so depressing and yet so needed in my life. I feel like the song that one of my favorite singers sang on one of his albums. Larnelle Harris has long been an inspiration to me because of his vocal talent and his love for the Lord. This song speaks to the issues concerning food that I am facing now. Perhaps it may speak to you regarding some "desert" in your life.
The "Desert of My Days" is a very thought provoking song. The lyrics speak right to the heart of so many issues in our lives. For me, my desert is wandering and wondering how I will learn to deal with the absence of my "food comfort" because I can no longer have that to "help" me cope with life. This is a pretty hard shot in the arm for someone who must partake of food on a daily basis in order to live. And not only that but has to deal with food in a very different manner than before. You see if I were an alcoholic then I could just simply avoid the drug and stay sober. But as someone with an abnormal relationship to food I must address the issues related to that abnormality every day. Some days are good , some days are bad; but God is always there....in my desert. I know that this journey is something He will work out for good. Because I love Him and am called according to His purpose. And I won't be in the desert forever. But while I am here I am going to praise His name and all He has done for me.
Anyone out there who has undergone this surgery and reads this blog please feel free to write to me and tell me about your struggles and successes. I want to learn from others so that I might help others like myself in the future. I also welcome any comments and encouragement. I thank you for loving me and listening to my story. God bless you.
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